It's Too Late to Apologize

One of the first phrases that I learned upon arrival in this country was "Mi-an-ham-ni-da," which translates to "Excuse me/I'm sorry." I assumed that this would be one of the most useful phrases I could learn when moving to a foreign country in which I scarcely spoke the language. I imagined myself constantly apologizing to strangers for my inadequate Korean linguistics and for my innate clumsiness and poor depth perception. However, it didn't take long to realize that my efforts at implementing this phrase into my everyday Korean interactions were almost completely futile. When I first got here and I bumped into someone, it was a natural reaction to apologize. However, every time I tried to offer the "polite" gesture of apologizing with a pseudo-sincere smile, I was aghast to discover that my attempt at forging a short-term amiability between strangers had been completely disregarded. There was never any hostility about my incompetent mobility; it was just that the stranger failed to even notice that I was attempting reconciliation for doing something socially unacceptable by the standards of most Western countries.

Initially, it angered and confused me when someone would nearly run me over with their scooters without acknowledging that they had done something wrong, even if it was an innocent mistake. However, upon months of further contemplation I realize that it's just as natural for Koreans to not apologize for an accidental boob graze as it is for Westerners to apologize for this same offense. The idea of personal space is just different here than it is in most Western countries. I suppose in a West Virginia sized country with a population of nearly 50 million, you can't get too comfortable with your personal space. A movement into someone's personal bubble here is less of an invasion and more of an expectation. Nevertheless, this doesn't entirely explain why someone would fail to care when they sever your pinky toe with the wheel of their cart. Truthfully, the only Koreans that I think I've ever heard say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" are my Korean co-workers, and I have exclusively heard them say these phrases in English. It makes me wonder if "Mi-an-ham-ni-da" is reserved only for social misdemeanors of the most severe variety. It seems that apologies are meant to occur exclusively between friends and acquaintances in Korea. Apologizing to a stranger appears to be unnecessary and perhaps even inappropriate.

This isn't a judgment on Korea; it is merely an observation. The truth is that I'm not exactly sure that our incessant apologizing back home is exactly healthy either. The problem with our apparent politeness is that it is rarely sincere. Back home, someone could cut me off with their shopping cart and step on my big toe with a 3-inch stiletto, and I'd still be apologizing all over the place while writhing on the floor in pain, as if it were somehow my fault for perceivably being in the way. Servers apologize profusely when their guests find a hair in their food, customer service workers tell you they're sorry when they inform you that the damaged merchandise that was sold to you can't be returned, and faceless automatons working for credit card companies mechanically announce through the receiver that they're sorry you've been on hold for the last 45 minutes. None of these people are truly sorry, and why should they be? It's not their fault. While you may deserve an apology from someone in all of these situations, you're getting it from the wrong person. Does it really offer any form of reassurance when someone scarcely connected to the grievance at hand tells you with vague indifference that they're sorry they can't find the hotel reservation you made a month ago? Does their scripted apology leave a less bitter taste in your mouth?


So which is weirder: a bicyclist who fails to apologize for splashing a puddle onto a pedestrian, or a pedestrian who apologizes excessively for standing next to the puddle through which the bicycle was moving?